My scars share a story...

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 03:18:27 GMT

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I GIVE UP! I DONT WANT A RELATIONSHIP, I JUST WANTED A FUCKING FRIENDSHIP BUT EVEN THATS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR....

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 00:21:05 GMT

Life isnt as awesome as i hope.... my gf is 1000miles apart and its really depressing. Her mom doesnt want me talking to her... my moms finding more and more things out. she knows im going out with jess and now she thinks im drinking... soon shes gonna start assuming the smoking thing... i dont know where my 'true' friends went because everyones being distant with eachother lately... I just want one thing and thats to actually spend time with my baby but its not happening for another 2months... everyone is bitching about how they dont get to hang out with their girlfriend/boyfriend yet they see them EVERYDAY in school, but they dont get to hang out... Well guess what I DONT GET TO SEE MINE FOR MONTHS AT A TIME. SHUT UP!!!!!!!! everyones pissing me off and to make it even better i have a burn on my face from my friends cigarette so i look like shit to top everything off... grrrrrr, im so glad i found this journal again cause no one i really know reads this anymore... I HATE PEOPLE

I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND
I LOVE JESSICA
I LOVE MY BABY
11*4*05 <3333333333333

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 06:06:13 GMT

Lifes boring... nothing too new... Jess is in florida... been 2 months since i seen her. missin my baby badly. she'll be home in a month.... missing many friends.... not sure whos real anymore... lifes boring... lifes gay... life sucks... im dealing... ehhh

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 03:49:14 GMT

Shes home. ^.^ yay jessica's home... hung out with her today... finally!!! so happy

My Hearts Currently: In Florida

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 18:35:51 GMT

Yea so tomorrow is me and jessicas 1 month anniversary and shes in florida... i just want to see her so bad. i miss her so much. i cant believe its gonna be 2weeks without her. For the first week i cryed almost everyday but last week i cryed maybe 2 times... i talk to her everyday... but its just not the same. i want to hold her! i want to kiss her! i want to see her! i want to feel her! I want to be with her! only 2 other people understand this emotion of being in love with someone so far away. i fucking love her so much... ok.. i have to go.

Take away this nightmare

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 04:29:29 GMT

Went to SING with jess and Lori... it was fun. yea so i went to the mall on friday with Jess, Krissy and Kaitlin and then Danille and Megan. jess got taken home and calls me and tells me shes getting sent to Florida next Saturday... so yet again we make it to 2 weeks in the relationship cause next friday is 2 weeks. it fucking sucks... yea so we hung out last night... she slept over... hopefully we can hang out alot before she leaves... i really hope her parents change their minds cause i dont want her to leave.

why cant i feel anything from anyone other than you?

Sat, 05 Nov 2005 20:18:26 GMT

Well the suicide prevention thing was ok but i wasnt happy cause Jess and paulina started going out about 5min before the meeting. So im sitting there and lori, aleyson and krissy are trying to make me smile but it didnt work. thats ok tho... so yea last night me, jess and angela were walking to Aleysons house and jess goes 'i dont want to go out with paulina. go out with me' and im like 'umm *thinks* idk' and she calls up paulina and breaks up with her and askes me out again and i was like idk. then angela was telling me that she really does love me like i love her and jess got down on her knees and asked me back out. it was really cute and i did want to say yes and it was so cute so now im not single. thats really cool. i happy... ok bye

With your games i will never fall for.

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 22:21:25 GMT

well i dont really remember last week that much. lets just start with friday. Friday was a half a day so a bunch of people went to the applebees to celebrate Krissys bday. then me and and jess went to the mall and hung out with stina and alexa. Then saturday was *thinks* ok yea saturday me,stina and alexa went to Jessicas house and watched a movie and just had fun.yup and then sunday *thinks really hard again* me, jess and lori waited for stina to get out of school and then we went to her house and watched movies. Then me and jess went to great kills. Then yesterday was halloween. I left school after 9th to take care of jess who was fucked up. then me, krissy and antonio took care of her. they left and me and jess went to great kills again. had fun... but it didnt seem like halloween...

yea so then today. i woke up and felt like shit and had to drag around all fucking day... sucks very much. later i have to go out and get tutoring for some shit... idk. tomorrow during 5th period im going to a suicide prevention thing... yup ok. bye

i made a commitment im willing to bleed for you

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 19:07:04 GMT

life is gay. *sigh* ok so for most of the week lori was absent which made me lonely. and monday aleyson was absent. thursday stina started ignoring me.... who knows why. but thursday things got good between me and jess and then friday really good between me and jess. then the mall on friday sucked. i went with lori <3 which was nice but then stina ruined it because i said hi and got a dirty look and she didnt even want to talk to me until lori made her... dont know why im bothering with her shit but i am.... i just hate losing a friend and thats whats happening now... but im gonna get over it. im giving her one last chance to save this friendship... then im done. whatever. i broke my glasses and im waiting for new ones... so tomorrow in school i get out of gym cause im blind... yup. bye

i miss being us

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 03:38:34 GMT

Saturday was aleyons bday 'party'. we watched a movie where a girl got raped by a tree... it was amazing lol. yea so that was cool. me and lori were our own little thing cause the rest (besides aleyson and emily) arent really being nice to eachother... but thats ok... then sunday went to barbaras and had fun... today SUCKED. i found out i failed math, most likely failing chem, barely passing global and not too good in italian... grrrrrrrr. then i went to jessicas and she asked me back out but i couldnt soo thats not happening... grr idk... yea whatever... bye

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 02:39:49 GMT

monday there was no school and tuesday i babysat til 12:45am. but i had stina talking to me on the phone for the last 45min so i wasnt dying from boredum and then we talked til about 2:15 at which time we both fell alseep on the phone. wednesday i woke up and she calls telling me she has a surprise and shes at school which she shouldnt be cause she can barely walk. so i got to school and sat in her car and then i walked while she limped her way up to school lol aww it was cute. then after school i went to Senior SING with her so i could help her and then i went home. I was SOAKED and then i went to lori's house and hung out. it was fun.. me and her ate away our misery and depression. i love doing that with her cause atleast we arent miserable, depressed and alone. yup and then there was no school today. i went and got my hair done and then came home... that was it. nothing fun or exciting. thought i was hanging out with aleyson but it didnt happen so whatever. dont care.... tomorrow is friday and school. fun... yup bye

best friends means I pull the trigger

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 03:32:32 GMT

showcase for a cause was ok... i had fun until it was over and i was hanging out and GRRRRR. so much drama. first theres all this drama at lunch and then i have to deal with it again... im sorry that i love someone that doesnt love me back... IM IN LOVE and I DO STUPID THINGS... grrr i blame myself. i set myself up for the let down

lately ive been a shell of myself

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 17:35:47 GMT

saturday was ehh. me and my friends drank and there was a problem so i called up my other friend to help and then we got caught... ehhh. then i had to sleep over someones house and just gayyyy.

then yesterday school sucked. last night i think i made someone mad at me and today sucks already and i just woke up like 2 hours ago.

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 15:24:48 GMT

last night was interesting. involved alcohol, hickeys, and drama, tears and pain. what else is new? but the drama, tears and pain was my fault... IM SORRY!!! i didnt mean to. tonight will be different. i wont use my fone, i wont cry over that again. im sorry to ruin your night!..... right so besides that it was really fun. i gave my first hickey thing and OMG im fucking amazing at it lol the kids neck is so fucked up from it. hehe ok bye

The sad part is that i'm not even worth the arguement

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 03:18:25 GMT

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!! hmmm i wonder. can you curse on LJ? hmm apparently

Whatever.... i feel not worth it. i wonder why they put up with me. im obnoxious, annoying, boring, stupid, mean, bitchy... why do they bother? but my real question is why am i bothering? not with myself but with them... if she doesnt care then why am i caring.... my new saying:

The sad part is that i'm not even worth the arguement

im not even worth it... im just taking up your air... dont worry. ill give you your space... you need all that air for yourself. ill just stay away for it all... from you, from your friends, from your life... dont worry. its all yours. dont let me get in the way...

So for everyone reading this im sorry that it doesnt make much sense... i have to get things out but dont worry it will probably get deleted soon. =/

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 01:21:01 GMT

school has been bad. I have gym with stina, math with ariel, lunch with aleyson and gina <333, music with Alex(stinas ex), global, chem, english with lori <33, and then italian with the old group minus amanda.... yea except things have been shit for the most part... i dont want to get into anything.... bye

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 05:52:59 GMT

yea yea yea i havent updated but who really cares? GreenDay concert was awesome and then friday night was fun.... saturday was ok and than sunday, monday and tuesday sucked.

Sunday my grandparents came over and they are just EVIL

Monday my aunt and uncle came over and they are cool but it sucks that i have to walk around the block to have a cigarette... i was bored

Tuesday i sat in my house and watched TV because there was nothing better to do.

Tomorrow im probably gonna go to the mall for the Last time before school starts... im ready for school tho so its cool... just gotta finish a report... bye

this sudden fear has left me trembling

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 03:38:05 GMT

well today was ok. Me, lori, lauren and stina were suppose to hang out at this little beach formation thing we found but lori cancelled and it started to rain alittle. So it was me, stina and lauren sitting in a parking lot and they were eating and we just sat on top of the car. it was fun for wat we were doing. Then we went to dunkin donuts and stina shoved munchkins in my face which was not good but they tasted ok... she says i never eat around her so thats why she shoved them in my mouth... *evil glare* lol and we made lauren almost spit up her coffee with was amazingly funny. Then Stina was playing the game I win which reminded me of chelsea cause we always played that game... i never won =( then we went to the mall and got separated after awhile so we all just went home.... then i watched Weeds with my parents and now im here alone with my away message up cause i dont want to really talk to anyone.

OHHH and GREENDAY CONCERT TOMORROW NIGHT!!! yay bitches lol

all around me is fast moving

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 05:00:05 GMT

1. Go into your LJ's archive.
2. Find your 23rd post. (or closest to)
3. Find the 5th sentence. (or closest to)
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions

So before we went to her friends house we went to the store and got me a 6 pack and her some dutches.

Haha that was the weekend my parents were away and my brother gone and my sister took me to her friends house and i drank while they smoked.... mad fun day there... lol

falling apart and all that im asking

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 04:21:11 GMT

Last night was me being all worried and sad but lets not get into that.... Today i woke up at 1 and took a shower and got ready. So me and barbara wanted to hang out so we planned on going to the mall. So her, me, lauren and other people go to the mall and hang out. So alittle after 7 or whatever stina called and asked if i wanted to take a drive cause she didnt want to drive home by herself or something. idk but i said yea cause i wanted to kinda watch her anyway.... dont ask im weird with certain friends, k? yea so i said bye to people and got in her car. So me her and her friend go driving and stop at this little beach area and it was really pretty and we were just talking. Then we drove to this haunted area or whatever and they swore they saw something but i wasnt lookin cause i didnt want to see anything. So yea then we got lost in tottenville lol and then we go to Port Richmond to drive her friend home... yea so driving back to the mall we just talked about her and stuff and then she dropped me off at Best Buy and i hung out with lauren and christine and some guy. Then laurens mom drove me home.... now im sitting here bored.

Whos gonna talk to me on the fone, til the sun comes up?

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 08:17:36 GMT

1) Your gender: female
(2) Straight/gay/bi?: straight lol ok fine bi
(3) Single?: yes
(4) want to be?:no
(5) Your birthday: july 3
(6) Age you act: 15
(7) Age you wish you were: im happy here, thank you
(8) Your height: 5 foot6
(9) The color of your eyes:brown
(10) Happy with it?: yup
(11) The color of your hair?: blue-black
(12) Happy with it?: yes, just dyed it
(13) Left/right/ambidextrous?: right
(14) Your living arrangement?: house
(27) Your family: mom dad, brother, sister
(29) What's your job: none yet
(30) Piercings?: ears
(31) Tattoos?: no
(32) Obsessions?: none
(35) Do you speak another language?: still learning my italian
(36) Have a favorite quote?: say what you feel cause I got nothing left AND I know you well enough to know you'll never love me
(37) Do you have a webpage?: no

DEEP THOUGHTS about life and you in it

(38) Do you live in the moment?: not usually
(39) Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: yes
(40) Do you have any secrets?: yes
(41) Do you hate yourself?: sometimes
(42) Do you like your handwriting?: sometimes
(43) Do you have any bad habits?:yes
(44) What is the compliment you get most from people?: umm people like my face... dont know why but whatever
(45) If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: umm The Life of Melissa lol
(46) What's your biggest fear?: dying on this island, being alone

(47) Can you sing: no
(48) Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: no
(49) Are you a loner?: no
(51) If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: yea
(52) Are you a daredevil?: no
(53) Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? lets not get into that
(54) Are you passive or aggressive?: idk
(55) Have you got a ?: ... a wat?
(56) What is your greatest strength and weakness?: strength is my listening skills and weeknesses are my feelings and i overanalze
(57) If you could change one thing about yourself? ... umm
(58) There are three wells, love, beauty and creativity, which one do you choose?: creativity
(59) How do you vent?: talk to people and i punch things sometimes ^.^
(60) Do you think you are emotionally strong?: no
(61) Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: i regret not talking to certain people when i should have
(62) Do you think life has been good so far?: at points
(63) What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: never let your guard down completely
(64) What do you like the most about your body?: my eyes are cool sometimes
(66) Do you think you are good looking?: no
(67) Are you confident?: no
(68) What is the fictional character you're most like?: i have no idea
(69) Do people know how you feel?: not really

(70) Are you perceived wrongly?: sometimes

DO YOU...

(71) Smoke?: yes

(72) Do drugs?: nope
(73) Read the newspaper?: not usually
(74) Pray?: no
(75) Go to church? no
(76) Talk to strangers who IM you?: usually
(77) Sleep with stuffed animals?: yes ... my charlie ^.^
(78) Take walks in the rain?: yes
(79) Talk to people even though you hate them?: yes if they talk to me
(80) Drive?: not old enough
(81) Like to drive fast?: yea when im in the car with other people

HAVE YOU EVER...

(82) Liked your voice?: um no
(83) Hurt yourself?: yea
(84) Been out of the country?: umm i think
(85) Eaten something that made other people sick?: no
(86) Burped?: duh
(87) Been unfaithful?: ....
(88) Been in love?: yea...
(89) Done drugs?: weed count?
(90) Gone skinny dipping?: no
(92) Had a surgery?: no
(93) Ran away from home?: no
(94) Played strip poker?: nope
(95) Gotten beaten up?: nope
(97) Been picked on?: yes
(98) Been on stage?: yes
(99) Been so drunk that you know you're supposed to go out on a date with someone, but you can't remember with who or when and that you faint when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, not to mention your breath?: uh no ... wow that was detailed
(100) Slept outdoors?: nope
(101) Thought about suicide?: yea... who hasnt, really?
(102) Pulled an all-nighter?: yes
(103) If yes, what is your record?: 26hrs?
(104) Gone one day without food?: yup
(105) Talked on the phone all night?: yes
(106) Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex?: no
(107) Slept all day? yes
(108) Killed someone?: no!
(109) Made out with a stranger?: well he wasnt really a stranger so no i guess
(110) Had sex with a stranger?: nope
(112) Kissed the same sex?: lol yea
(113) Done anything sexual with the same sex?: no
(114) Been betrayed?: yes
(115) Had a dream that came true?: yes
(116) Broken the law?:probaly
(117) Met a famous person?: yea when i was little
(118) Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: yea... not really an accident but shhh no one needs to know that
(146) Stolen anything?: yes
(147) Been on radio/TV.?: no
(148) Been in a mosh-pit?: yes

(149) Had a nervous breakdown? yea
(150) Considered religious vocation?:no...
(151) Been criticized about your sexual performance?: i dont have sexual performance lol
(152) Bungee jumped?: nope
(153) Had a dream that kept coming back?: yes

CLOTHES and other fashion
(154) Shoe brand?: converse

(155) Brand of clothing?: any
(156) Cologne/perfume?: ehh i dont care
(157) What are you normally wearing to school/work?: jeans, t-shirt, sneakers, and maybe a hoodie
(159) Wear hats?: not really
(160) Judge other people by their clothing?: yea sometimes
(161) Wear make-up?: yea
(162) Favorite place to shop?: anywhere
(163) Favorite article of clothing?: band t-shirts
(164) Are you trendy?: probably... dont care tho

(165) Would you rather wear a uniform to school?: no

BELIEFS

(166) Believe in life on other planets?: no
(167) Miracles?: yes
(168) Astrology?: yes
(169) Magic?: some magic
(170) God? : not really
(171) Satan?: not really
(172) Santa?: no
(173) Ghosts?: yes
(174) Luck?: yes
(175) Love at first sight?: i believe in a feeling at first site
(176) Yin and Yang?: not really
(177) Witches?: kinda
(178) Easter bunny?: no
(179) Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: yes
(180) Believe there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?: no
(181) Do you wish on stars?: yes

LOVE, and all that

(182) Did you get frightened or uncomfortable seeing that as a section title?: not relaly
(183) Do you remember your first love?: yea
(184) Still love him/her?: yea
(185) Do you consider love a mistake? sometimes
(186) What do you find romantic?: holding hands and just laying with eahcother... listening to the other breathe.. that kinda stuff
(187) Turn-on?: just... being there
(188) Turn-off?:a complete bitch
(189) Do you base your judgement on looks alone: no
(200) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel?: odd
(201) Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going "blind"?: knowing them before
(202) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out?: umm never really though about it
(203) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?: in my eyes the person i like is always attractive but not in others eyes
(204) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking: no but honestly im not going for the opposite sex lol
(205) What is best about the opposite sex?: once again not looking for the opposite but for a guy his eyes and for a girl umm just being able to talk

(206) What is the worst thing about the opposite/same sex?: ok im just gonna change the question around *changes* right so ... umm idk
(207) What's the last present someone gave you?: i dont remember... my bday i think
(208) Are you in love?: no
(209) Do you consider your significant other hot?: i dont have one
(210) What would you do if you were walking down the street and saw some hot guy/girl standing on the sidewalk?: probably look at them

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...

(211) That haunted you?: lets not get into that
(212) You wanted to kill?: umm people
(213) That you laughed at?: my mom... seriously
(214) That laughed at you?: idk... lauren?
(215) That turned you on?: ummm
(216) You went shopping with?: my mommy
(217) That broke your heart?: jess
(218) To disappoint you?: jess
(219) To ask you out?: jess
(220) To make you cry?: jess
(221) To brighten up your day?: just someone i talked to
(222) That you thought about?: stina cause im looking at pictures online and hers was there lol
(223) You saw a movie with?: stina and lori
(224) You talked to on the phone?: aleyson
(225) You talked to through IM?: jess and stina
(226) You saw?: brother... he made fun of my hair =(
(227) You lost?: .....
(229) You thought was completely insane?: i think all my friends are insane
(230) You wanted to be?: umm im happy being me
(231) You told off?: dont remmeber
(232) You trusted?: i dont trust many so it was either aleyson, stina or lori... all that i really trust anymore
(233) You turned down?: some guy at the mall

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU

(234) Smiled?: earlier today
(235) Laughed?: earlier today
(236) Cried?: earlier today but only cause i got hair dye in my eye lol
(237) Bought something?: today... grocery shopping with mom
(238) Danced?: oh god WAYYY to long ago

(239) Were sarcastic?: today
(240) hugged someone?: today
(241) Talked to an ex?: today
(242) Watched your fave movie?: dont remember
(243) Had a nightmare?: i dont remember
(245) Talked on the phone?: today
(246) Listened to the radio?: last night
(247) Watched TV?: few hours ago
(248) Went out?: tonight
(249) Helped someone?: last night
(250) Were mean?: probably today
(251) Sang?: today
(252) Saw a movie in a theater?: july 16... </3 (253) Said "I love you"?: tonight (254) Missed someone?: right now (255) Fought with a family member?: yesterday (256) Fought with a friend?: couple weeks ago (257) Had a serious conversation?: couple days ago was kinda serious (258) Got drunk?: lol earlier this week (259) sex?: never

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 22:35:42 GMT

Sorry I havent been updating lately.... Ive been using Xanga alot. Just letting eveyrone know that im alive and not all too well. 2 nights ago me and lori slept over stinas. we drank so it was really fun but im melissa so of course i was upset for part of it.... yea so sleepovers make me happy... its true girls are NEVER to old for sleepovers lol.

So yesterday after stina dropped me off home I just sat around and was realllyyyyy tired cause we didnt sleep. We went to "sleep" around 8:30AM and i couldnt sleep and then we "woke up" around 1pm so like i was tired allll day yesterday. Then i went to bed around 3 and didnt wake up til 5PM today... it was bad. i woke up with a major headache and i felt like dying.

So its Friday and i should be at the mall but Lori isnt going and Lauren wont be there til around 7:30-8 so im leaving my house at like 7:30 and hoping she'll be there when i get there... i dont like beign there alone and stinas working so i cant even hang out with her until someone gets there.... yup so school starts soon. Im still reading my book and i didnt start the report yet but i wanna start school.... yeaa sooo bye

do you remember that game "telephone" when
one person would say something and by the
end of the game it was totally different.
|x welcome to highschool x|

Do you get it now? have u forgotten?

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 04:02:39 GMT

last night my emotions were just out of control which completely sucked but i was 'ok' and talking to Stina. I woke up today got ready and went to Lori's house. We went to a block party at her Grandmas house. It wasnt that bad. I like hanging out with lori. its fun even if we are just watching TV. Yup so we took some walks, watched TV, i was feed as usually (damn them), and just hung out and talked. Now im on the computer listening to music and writing to people cause theres nothing else to do.

I dont want to talk about it, because im in love with you

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 20:28:48 GMT

So me and jessica are broken up. :( but ill get over it i suppose.

Yesterday i hung out with lauren, stina, lori and mike. We went and watched Britney Spears DVD at laurens. I wanted to sleep so i just layed on stina and then someone we switched and she was on me. *confused face* not sure how that happened but oh well. Its ok. I was alittle bit happy for about an hr in total yesterday. I guess Stina was right and i cant just sit in the house all day and be depressed but thats too bad cause thats what im doing today. Lauren and lori wanted me to go to the mall with them but i bullshitted my way out of it because i definatly dont want to go to the mall. Maybe ill go to someone elses house or just go out but not the mall. Not in the mood for that. Maybe on Friday but not now... bye.

Say goodbye

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 03:14:57 GMT

yea everyone, im back. yea everyone, vacation did indead suck.

Today i hung out with stina and then went to the mall while she was working. i hung out with jess which was cool for the most part. Then laurens mom drove me home. Now im sittin here listenin to music and im upset.... lets not go into why but i am.